Origin story

When I was fifteen I was sitting in my room by the computer and had an enormous feeling of loneliness. This feeling came from a thought pattern of close to none self-worth. It was my rationality that said the world would be better without me. That was what I heard the world around me say to me. For me in that room, at that moment, it would have been better if I didn't exist. The remaining question in my head was to end myself or not.

For my own sake the answer was load and clear. It would have been a great release from a world that only looked at me as a misstake. I started to think about the people around me and some might get sad. Even though it would be for their own feeling of failure or just by the sheer fear of death being so close. Far more likely than wanting me there. At least I can go on living for them.

A new question arised about how I can live on. This dark, heavy cloud of loneliness over me is trying to crush me. I decided then and there that I could not fight it anymore. If it crushes me and I die, so be it. I looked up like I was watching the cloud, stared at it, and let go. In an instant, I felt relieved. I looked around the room slowly. It was like looking at it for the first time. I laughed a bit. With a smile on my face, I continued to look around the room in awe. It all looked so vibrant and alive. I don't feel lonely anymore! I realized that it had to be an illusion I created. All of a sudden I was above myself and from the outside looking down on me. This third person perspective gave me a form of distance to myself with all the feelings and thoughts that come with it.

The question now morphed into the way i should live. Even though everything has in a sense changed my situation is still the same. I might not feel lonely but I still am. Without a safe space to exist. So I live for everyone else but how should I live and what will I do with my time. I will search for everlasting happiness. It's probably impossible but it's a good goal to aim at. If I get there I will be able to tell others so nobody would feel the way I feel. I'll take this new third perspective and treat myself as an experiment. It will be horrible because I need to throw myself into every bit of fear I got in order to understand it and transcend it. Just like I did at that moment I let go.

Tomorrow I will begin.