Break into Start

Tree months ago I wrote the first post here in the Journal. Working on the structure of the site. Quite soon after that I decided to take a break due to starting the process of getting a diagnosis. It ended with a diagnosis of Autism and ADD. The process have been wild with insigns that forced demolishing and rebuilding myself. It is a crazy experience to get an answer to how you work that fits every aspect of your being, experiences and choices. It has been freeing to understand myself and empower my intuition of being right about how i work and what needs i have. What is hard is the empowerment of how out of place i am in society and that there is no space to accomidate my needs. The rejection of society as a system is intense and even with a new understanding from society that i have needs that the general system cant provide my intution still screams that it wants to hurt me. Maybe this is trauma screaming but it is not without ground.

The downfall started with the last meeting with the terapist that was involved in the process of diagnosing me. I liked her because she seemed to want to help and understand. She listened to my story of my bad experiences with a former terapist. Although she had her heart it the right place the rules of the system forced her into actions that hurt me far more than helped. Her last advice to me was horrible due to the fact that ive been down those roads and they end up in suicide thoughts. I am very happy that i did not get my diagnosis earlier in life and at the same time I was horrified to have the high number of suicide within the community of autistic people. This edvice not to think to much and not speak my truth is not an uncommon advice from people. I am sorry to say but trying not to think to much is like telling me to go outside and stop the wind, it is exhausting with no gain. Telling me not to speak my truth and not take things litterally is the same as telling me to lie and expect others to lie. I dont want to live in a world like that. Where I need to hide and not trust anyone. I know most people can ignore their thoughts and feelings, pretend they love eachother and can trust one another. For me this is insanely unnatural and i dont think it is a bad thing to feel that way. Expect the fact that all you get from society is shit for it. Enjoy your bliss because I wish so intensly I could do the same.

Later on I started calling all the agencies I needed to get some help, more specifically economical help. After two weeks of calls and a waiting period for a doctors certicficate that in the end wasnt one. I was so stressed out and plain mad that I gave up. I have never before felt so much empathy towards the trouble making student Ive seen in classrooms. The one that just screams, break stuff and antagonise everyone around them. That is all i wanted to do. I wanted to take the buss to the psyciatric ward, scream and break stuff. What in the hell do you want me to do!? Because the pain dosent come from not getting any help, it comes from getting told that you will get help and no help is given. It comes from relaxing with being told you will get help, panicing when you realize no help is coming and then still be stuck in the process you started and now terrified of getting advice or help that might hurt you. The system is severly broken as the net that is suppose to help people in trouble has huge holes in it. Now telling a lie that help is there if you need it, because everybody seem to be aware of the hole but noone is willing to do something about them. I am still mad about it even though this has been proven to me over and over again. I really dont want to believe it to be so.

It is time to grow up and realize noone is there to help me except me. Which is a obvious truth due to the fact that I am the only one capable of helping me. I started this journey because no will to life for myself anymore. I explored in order to help others not to feel the way i do. It is just heart breaking to feel that the solutions ive found and also helped others with is close to impossible to implement in our society. Every institution is trying it hardest to go the opposite direction. To help others with my solutions means going against that current. Most wont listen if they are not hurt enough and given up on the ideas of our society today. I am very fine with them living the way they want as long as i can live the way i want. But my experience is that is usually not the case. If i live abnormaly I am a treath to the structure of society.

Maybe this is just hybris from my part because it sure sounds like i think im better and know more than everyone. The truth is that i have just found what i think is logically true and just. Society has found its own way that to me is madness. But im far to tired to fight all that and I will probably still lose alot of people as i continue. I will probably be hated and isolated. That is fine because hating myself by hiding and not telling the truth is also isolation. At least i dont hate myself. 

I need direction in life to continue, I am misserable without a goal. That is why ive now decided that my writing is soley for my own sake. I will do my best to try to save myself as a sucidal lonely boy and possible help myself today in the process. Try to teach that boy the enjoyment of playing with perspective and perception in order to understand and love the world more deeply. The state where i feel true to myself and do my best work. I hope my money situation change but Id rather die in the streets a cold night that by my own hands. One of the more positive notes from getting a diagnosis.

I lie my life in Gods hands now and if society wants to cruxify me for it, so be it.